I'm not special
For some reason, my co-workers think that I am special. They have no idea how I "know what I'm doing" all the time. I'm not going to pretend that I'm completely oblivious - I can connect the dots between what they are saying and what I am doing. However, I don't really understand why they have a mystic respect for that. I don't understand why they think where I'm at is so unattainable. This may sound like I'm trying to dodge out of a compliment, and maybe I am: I don't think I'm special though.
I don't have some weird gene that makes me a good software developer. I don't have some crazy slumdog backstory that enables me to optimally exploit my previous experience. I don't think my ADHD is really what differentiates me from others, at least not on that scale. Heck, I don't even think my skills are that impressive. When people compliment me, I'm usually just confused and think, "Isn't everyone at least this capable?"
Here's a list of things that I could brag about.
- I use vim
- I have a tiling window manager
- I use the nix package manager (cause nixos was a little too steep for me)
- I took a compiler class in college (didn't finish my degree)
- I know how to use kubernetes
Beating my head
I think though, if there was something that maybe makes me unique, it is that I have a thick skull. I create ambitious projects in my head, and then I beat my head against it until either it, or I, break. I don't finish all my projects; I probably don't finish half of them. However, I think there are projects that I take on and end up finishing that most people wouldn't even try. None of them are glamorous or even that long term.
Over time, though, it looks crazy. The way I have my developer environment set up right now is an accumulation of me getting some silly idea in my head about how I can be 1% more efficient, and then beating my head against it for days. Now I have likely hundreds of little tweaks that makes me look like some techno dork who lives in a cyberpunk dystopia. Again, this is all relative. I'm not wearing a VR headset and minority report gloves. I've got a split mechanical keyboard that I ordered off a website. I "built" it like you "build" things you buy from Ikea.
A forehead of steel
I guess all of this to say, is that I think that the only difference between me and someone who looks at me in awe, is just a bunch of time and a thick skull. Both in the sense that I'm an idiot who can't scope out the difficulty of projects well, and that once I start, I let sunk cost fallacy overwhelm my rational thought and I just keep slamming my head against the metaphorical wall until I figure it out.
Just learn to take a compliment
I know some people would say that I should let people just compliment me. Receiving compliments is a skill that many consider a virtue. A lot of people, including myself, find it annoying when someone rejects a simple compliment. For me though, I feel like accepting when people say I'm a "wizard", or whatever, just lets them off the hook. This is something you can be good at too. If you don't want to be good at this specific thing, then that's also cool, but you can go be a wizard at something else, and you wouldn't have any awe for me anymore. You'd be like, look at that average guy, doing that average job.
What's the big deal?
At this point, this post is probably going to veer off into a rant, but I need to explain why I even care. Couldn't I just let people compliment me and be done with it? Truth be told, I'm pretty selfish. Working with people who are smarter than me makes growth a lot easier. And working with a bunch of people who are in awe of you, makes seeing your own failings a lot harder. I know I'm just an average guy, but I really want to be amazing at what I do. When everyone around me thinks I'm already amazing, it's really hard to achieve that. Plus, it feels sad that others don't have passions about anything that would at least make them go, "Oh, he's into software like I'm into X" and set us as equals.
Plus, it allows INSANE thoughts to creep into my mind like:
- It's lonely at the top
- I'm better at what I do than everyone
- I'm right all the time
- You can be a grump if you are smart enough
🤣 as if right?